My Lawn Mower Broke...

Well, it seems like it's been a lifetime ago since I posted an update. You'll probably be slightly disappointed to know that I have not made any progress toward my goal. I just started over again this week - that's right, FIVE MONTHS after my post of "I'm starting over, I'm tired of being fat, yada, yada." In that five months, I've moved to a different state and been running hither, to, and yon trying to tie up loose ends and start a new chapter of my life, but as much as I'd like it to be, it's not an acceptable excuse. Perhaps it's understandable, but really, no excuse should stand in the way of something you really want. Like my mom-in-law says, "Just say your lawn mower's broke; one excuse is just as good as another." And when you consider that I've spent the last five months in an almost constant state of self-loathing, it's even worse. I can be pretty harsh on myself, and I don't need any help feeling like a failure when I can't get my act together. Needless to say, I beat myself up pretty badly for letting myself go when I was only 12 or so pounds from my goal less than a year ago.

I know now looking back on the past year, I used food to self-medicate because from October to April, my husband was jobless, we had a house we couldn't sell, we were living with our parents, and we were going through our savings faster than you could blink. I resented my husband because I felt he wasn't taking our situation seriously enough, and I resented everyone else for pitying me and giving me the "what you ought to do is..." speech. I got tired of pretending that I was doing alright when all I wanted to do was say, "Fuck this, I quit," and check out from reality for a while. I felt powerless and hopeless, and so food became my one joy.

Once you begin that cycle, it's HARD to break. Which is why, over the course of this five months, I would start my diet, and within a few days fall off the wagon. Or why I'd sometimes say, "I'll start tomorrow," only to have tomorrow arrive, and then I would say once again, "tomorrow." Even now, we still have a house we can't sell, and even though my husband has a job, we aren't rolling in the dough (because of the house we can't sell). I know that as I continue on my weight loss journey, I will have to constantly remind myself that food is not the solution. That pound cake won't sell my house; that soda won't give us a bigger paycheck. I can still have tasty food, but more food won't equal more happiness. I also know it will be tough with the holidays coming up, because I don't want to feel like I'm missing out. However, I think this time I'm back in the right mindset, and I'll stick with it. Cross your fingers for me!