I don't even wanna know...

So I'm not getting on the scale right now. I will not even pretend that I've been trying all that hard to stick to my diet/exercise routine. First it was Thanksgiving, then an impromptu trip to NY, so some not very well thought out eating decisions occurred. (Update: I stepped on the scale - only two pounds heavier than before Thanksgiving. Whew!) When I got back from NY, I spent some time doing an inward evaluation on my attitudes toward myself, my exercise, and my eating habits. Below are my soul-searching results.

Now I don't really pay attention to fads, so I was unaware of a movement called "thinspiration." I found out about it on Pinterest (aka, my newest addiction). Needless to say, I got lost in the 'net, and I began reading up about thinspo, eating disorders, self-loathing, and the way they are linked. It seems, by my perception, that a lot of these so-called inspirational photos and phrases place vanity over health by encouraging a nearly unobtainable level of skinniness. Some thinspo is even thinly veiled pro-anorexia propaganda. There is also quite a lot of thinspiration that uses negative reinforcement and not only encourages self-abasement, but envy as well.

No, you need a therapist because you're a rhino trying to be a unicorn.

Now obviously this "thinspo" has received some backlash from those who feel it's damaging to people's well-being. The whole controversy caused me to take a look at myself. Do I want to lose this weight solely for my vanity? Is my depression and poor self-image a result of the media and our society telling me that I'm not good enough because I'm overweight? Should I even continue my diet and exercise plan?

The answer to these questions is both yes and no. Is this for my vanity? Yeah, but I have also noticed that I feel better health wise when I eat better, and my knees don't hurt as much with regular exercise.

Is my depression and poor self-image society's fault? Well, I don't think society helps, but ya know, I was one of the few teens I knew in high school with a positive self-image (which is weird, because that's typically when girls struggle most with that). I have never been perfect, but back then, I didn't give a crap what the media had to say about beauty standards. I just did my own thing with confidence, and somewhere along the road I have lost that. I do think some of the lost confidence stems from my weight gain, since I have always valued my appearance, but I think it may also have come from something else. Somewhere along the way, I lost touch with something integral to my well-being, and until I find it again, or find something new to take its place, I will probably continue to cycle in and out of depression.

Should I even continue my diet and exercise plan? Yes, but maybe not in its current form. I absolutely will continue my daily walks, because I enjoy it, but should I keep on doing pilates moves I hate? Probably not. I'm sure I can find some toning exercises that don't make me feel like an elephant trying to figure skate. As far as the diet goes, it has been said that the only way to lose weight and keep it off is to be willing to make permanent change. What I have been doing is limiting my calorie intake by counting calories. Do I want to count calories forever? No. I also don't want to swear off brownies and cake forever either. When I was younger, cookies and such were a once in a while thing, but when I reached adulthood I said, "Screw that, I'm an adult, I can eat this all day if I want." And I did, and well, we all know how that turned out. So maybe what I ought to do is make a change towards eating more healthy foods on a regular basis (because healthy can also be tasty, despite popular belief). I can save the sweet treats for special occasions, since self-deprivation really isn't for me.

This person has never had cheesecake.

So where does that leave me? In pretty much the same spot I was before. Setting realistic goals, trying to eat healthier, exercising more, trusting my body to get there in its own good time, and practicing self-love and self-forgiveness along the way.

This. Always.