In a Good Mood

I'm feeling phenomenal. Remember all that soul-searching I was talking about in my last post? Well, I have decided something important: I LIKE ME. I really do. I'm pretty awesome, actually. But if I'm completely honest with myself, I'd still like to lose a couple of pounds. AND, I have a motivator to keep  me on task - I have a wedding to attend at the end of March. I'd like to look extra fabulous for this occasion, so I have work to do. However, there will be no more of this yoga/pilates funny business. I'm a pretty traditional girl, so it'll be traditional workouts all the way. Push-ups and that sort of stuff. I tried it out today and boy did it get my adrenaline pumping, so I'm pretty psyched. I'm also gonna attempt to get enough sleep (geez, look at the time, I guess I'll start that tomorrow night), and drink more water. You watch me look smokin' for this wedding! Wish me luck!

I don't even wanna know...

So I'm not getting on the scale right now. I will not even pretend that I've been trying all that hard to stick to my diet/exercise routine. First it was Thanksgiving, then an impromptu trip to NY, so some not very well thought out eating decisions occurred. (Update: I stepped on the scale - only two pounds heavier than before Thanksgiving. Whew!) When I got back from NY, I spent some time doing an inward evaluation on my attitudes toward myself, my exercise, and my eating habits. Below are my soul-searching results.

Now I don't really pay attention to fads, so I was unaware of a movement called "thinspiration." I found out about it on Pinterest (aka, my newest addiction). Needless to say, I got lost in the 'net, and I began reading up about thinspo, eating disorders, self-loathing, and the way they are linked. It seems, by my perception, that a lot of these so-called inspirational photos and phrases place vanity over health by encouraging a nearly unobtainable level of skinniness. Some thinspo is even thinly veiled pro-anorexia propaganda. There is also quite a lot of thinspiration that uses negative reinforcement and not only encourages self-abasement, but envy as well.

No, you need a therapist because you're a rhino trying to be a unicorn.

Now obviously this "thinspo" has received some backlash from those who feel it's damaging to people's well-being. The whole controversy caused me to take a look at myself. Do I want to lose this weight solely for my vanity? Is my depression and poor self-image a result of the media and our society telling me that I'm not good enough because I'm overweight? Should I even continue my diet and exercise plan?

The answer to these questions is both yes and no. Is this for my vanity? Yeah, but I have also noticed that I feel better health wise when I eat better, and my knees don't hurt as much with regular exercise.

Is my depression and poor self-image society's fault? Well, I don't think society helps, but ya know, I was one of the few teens I knew in high school with a positive self-image (which is weird, because that's typically when girls struggle most with that). I have never been perfect, but back then, I didn't give a crap what the media had to say about beauty standards. I just did my own thing with confidence, and somewhere along the road I have lost that. I do think some of the lost confidence stems from my weight gain, since I have always valued my appearance, but I think it may also have come from something else. Somewhere along the way, I lost touch with something integral to my well-being, and until I find it again, or find something new to take its place, I will probably continue to cycle in and out of depression.

Should I even continue my diet and exercise plan? Yes, but maybe not in its current form. I absolutely will continue my daily walks, because I enjoy it, but should I keep on doing pilates moves I hate? Probably not. I'm sure I can find some toning exercises that don't make me feel like an elephant trying to figure skate. As far as the diet goes, it has been said that the only way to lose weight and keep it off is to be willing to make permanent change. What I have been doing is limiting my calorie intake by counting calories. Do I want to count calories forever? No. I also don't want to swear off brownies and cake forever either. When I was younger, cookies and such were a once in a while thing, but when I reached adulthood I said, "Screw that, I'm an adult, I can eat this all day if I want." And I did, and well, we all know how that turned out. So maybe what I ought to do is make a change towards eating more healthy foods on a regular basis (because healthy can also be tasty, despite popular belief). I can save the sweet treats for special occasions, since self-deprivation really isn't for me.

This person has never had cheesecake.

So where does that leave me? In pretty much the same spot I was before. Setting realistic goals, trying to eat healthier, exercising more, trusting my body to get there in its own good time, and practicing self-love and self-forgiveness along the way.

This. Always.

One more

Well, one more pound down for a total of 6! I've also lost 2.5 inches around my waist, and 1.5 inches around my hips. I woke up this morning feeling like I was looking pretty good. Even though I don't really look all that different, I feel confident. More so than I have in a while, anyway.

Today it's raining outside, and it's supposed to rain all day, so I will have to do my exercises on the rowing machine. Keep your fingers crossed that I can exercise self-control during Thanksgiving!

I Forgot!

I mentioned in my last post that I'd let you know if I'd made any progress. Well, I lost five pounds. I hit that milestone sometime last week. That's all to report for right now though. See you around!

Success



I thought I'd share this picture with you, because it reminds me a lot of my weight loss struggles so far. I had a minor setback this week. My friend from high school called us up this past Saturday to tell us that his grandmother had died. She had been pretty ill for a few years, and had finally had enough of fighting. I spent quite a bit of time back in my high school days hanging out with him at her house, so it only felt right that I should go to the funeral. I was gone from Sunday evening until Tuesday night, and didn't have a single minute to spare for my exercises. I also had to do a lot of eating on the run, which led to some poor choices on my part. I was able to eat a little more reasonably from Wednesday to Sunday, but I didn't get to exercise then either because I was busy playing catch up from having been gone for three days. I could have done better if I had tried, I suppose, but what's done is done now, so I am picking up where I left off and going from there. I will report next week on my progress if there is any, so you can see how I'm doing.

My Journey So Far

Here we are in week two of my newly revived weight loss journey. I have lost three pounds, two inches from my waist, and a half an inch from everywhere else. If that doesn't bolster the confidence, I don't know what does. Already I feel much better about myself, not because I look any different, but because I know I'm working toward an achievable goal.

Walking this week has proven a challenge because of the weather, but I've still managed to do it everyday, along with my toning exercises. I do think I'll be altering some of my toning exercises if I find some I can do better. I've never been extremely flexible, so I don't know what made me think I could do exercises based on yoga, but I tried them anyway, and they suck! I don't enjoy them at all, so instead of keeping up with them and risking throwing in the towel, I think I'll find some that don't make me feel so awkward and stupid.

I haven't made any progress on my exercise mat. I haven't been in the mood to do any sewing. I'm thinking, however, that I might get some of the pieces cut out tonight while the hubby is at work. I'm thinking as  secret, sub-conscious encouragement, I'll stick some small paper pieces with motivational quotes and my inspiration picture in the batting.

So that's where I am now. I'll post again next week. Wish me luck!

My Lawn Mower Broke...

Well, it seems like it's been a lifetime ago since I posted an update. You'll probably be slightly disappointed to know that I have not made any progress toward my goal. I just started over again this week - that's right, FIVE MONTHS after my post of "I'm starting over, I'm tired of being fat, yada, yada." In that five months, I've moved to a different state and been running hither, to, and yon trying to tie up loose ends and start a new chapter of my life, but as much as I'd like it to be, it's not an acceptable excuse. Perhaps it's understandable, but really, no excuse should stand in the way of something you really want. Like my mom-in-law says, "Just say your lawn mower's broke; one excuse is just as good as another." And when you consider that I've spent the last five months in an almost constant state of self-loathing, it's even worse. I can be pretty harsh on myself, and I don't need any help feeling like a failure when I can't get my act together. Needless to say, I beat myself up pretty badly for letting myself go when I was only 12 or so pounds from my goal less than a year ago.

I know now looking back on the past year, I used food to self-medicate because from October to April, my husband was jobless, we had a house we couldn't sell, we were living with our parents, and we were going through our savings faster than you could blink. I resented my husband because I felt he wasn't taking our situation seriously enough, and I resented everyone else for pitying me and giving me the "what you ought to do is..." speech. I got tired of pretending that I was doing alright when all I wanted to do was say, "Fuck this, I quit," and check out from reality for a while. I felt powerless and hopeless, and so food became my one joy.

Once you begin that cycle, it's HARD to break. Which is why, over the course of this five months, I would start my diet, and within a few days fall off the wagon. Or why I'd sometimes say, "I'll start tomorrow," only to have tomorrow arrive, and then I would say once again, "tomorrow." Even now, we still have a house we can't sell, and even though my husband has a job, we aren't rolling in the dough (because of the house we can't sell). I know that as I continue on my weight loss journey, I will have to constantly remind myself that food is not the solution. That pound cake won't sell my house; that soda won't give us a bigger paycheck. I can still have tasty food, but more food won't equal more happiness. I also know it will be tough with the holidays coming up, because I don't want to feel like I'm missing out. However, I think this time I'm back in the right mindset, and I'll stick with it. Cross your fingers for me!